Thursday, 20 November 2008
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No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women and Children
By Paul Coughlin
see relatedNotes from a recovering nice guy (part 1)
Lately, I've been reading a lot of blogs complaining about nice guys. Funny, because they were complaints about nice guys complaining. As someone who used to belong to this sect, I felt I should speak up.
Let's start with defining nice guys and their natural nemeses, the jerks.
Nice guys - People-pleasing wimps who are too shy to ask a girl out, or manage to gather the courage after months of stalking a girl. Often found combing their hair the same way their mommy taught them in elementary school.
Jerks - Self-serving guys who bust on girls and treat them like crap, often dating more than one girl at a time. Often identified by a deep tan, open shirt showing off their abs, and hair glistening with gel.
Harsh, maybe, but there's a ring of truth in these. Nice guys are trained that theirs is the way to get along in the world, and Jerks see their way as the best way to take what they want. Most people think they either have to fit into either one or the other category, and the other side of the fence looks as appealing as rotten meat.
In truth, there is another way, a third road. We seldom see people taking the third road in the dating scene, simply because those guys are either in a relationship already, or married (FTW!). Let's give it a new definition.
Confident guys - Guys who don't need the approval of others, but know how to treat a woman with respect. Like sodium and other alkalines, these are almost never found in their native state, but are often found bonded to other women.
This is what most women are programmed internally to desire. It's a balance between the Nice Guy and the Jerk, taking the best elements of each. They're assertive enough to go after what they want, but they're respectful enough not to leave much carnage in their wake. They don't care what people think about them, but they're not overly cocky, either. These guys often stand up for what they believe, and they seem to have a purpose about them. Who doesn't want to hang around them? Well, maybe the haters, but that's another story.
In my next post, I'll go over how Nice guys can become more confident. Most if not all of the methods have been tested by myself, a recovering nice guy.
**EDIT** For part two, click here. **EDIT**
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Comments (28)
I always hated told that I fit into either of those two categories, but I'm not sure if I fulfill the third (although it's definitely the way I'm trying to go...)
@overly_toasted_bread - It's a balancing act, and you and I are just trying to get to the center of the teeter-totter. That's all.
Indeed
nice guys rule. in fact, i married one.
Nice. Looks like an interesting book too. :)
@DuckTapeJourneyman - then the trick is to maintain that precarious balance...
@casmarie - I'll bring it up more in the next post or two.
@overly_toasted_bread - It's not so precarious after a while. Just look at gymnist. Those girls can do a lot on a four-inch-wide piece of wood.
I tend to stray between all three categories depending on the woman, normally I'll head more into the nice guy zone with girls I really care about (and kill my chances), and then other times I'll head into the jerk zone with girls who I don't care for (and have them glued to me until I feel like letting go).
You hit it much better than others I've seen
Let's see where this goes
@overly_toasted_bread - for what its worth, I think you are one of the confident ones.
This was great, can't wait for part 2.
@justdosomething@revelife - thanks
hopefully that's true in real life, and not just while I'm hiding behind a computer screen...
smashing!
confidence is so sexy.
I used to be a nice guy... and I look back and realize what a pansy I was.
If I was a girl I wouldn't have wanted to date me either.
The more I grew, and found my identity.. the more attractive it would appear that I have become.
Wanna know what is sexy? A confident guy is who is very nice (ie kind) ... but has just enough "bad boy" not to let people walk all over him (or his lady) and to get a little angry about injustices.
Also, sometimes "nice guys" aren't very masculine. I don't know when the two became mutually exclusive, but they don't have to be. I don't want to date a man who cries when he drops his candy bar in the dirt. I want him to wipe it off and keep eating!
If I could find this mix of a man I would be very, very happy.
I think you've found a compromise women can live with.
Women  are programmed to internally desire  men who know the value of duck tape so don't worry about nothing bro you already have what they want.
@Zayin_michael - Sounds like a great success story there.
@weedorwildflower - That's exactly what we're shooting for here. I love the candy bar analogy. If you can't find one locally, I'm still available.
@jacksoncroons - Now we just have to find women my compromise can live with
@kulamulla - That's right, duck tape is sexy.
@DuckTapeJourneyman - lol. You better watch out. I might just take you up on that!
Haha nice - you make it sound like they're of two opposing philosophies, reminiscent of nietzsche vs christianity. Take what you want because you're better and you know it or just let yourself get hit over and over and then give the guy your shirt. Course, I doubt it's that conscious, not to mention that Jesus probably wasn't considered a creeper like nice guys are sometimes. And then there's that other guy - there are a few of those, but like you said, you're probably not going to find a single one.
Good job! I'll be going over to part 2 now lol.
I took road number three.
And how did you know I was dating someone?